My Story, My Journey

My childhood was not an idyllic one - rather, it was fraught with fear, volatility and abuse. As a result, as far back as I can remember, I was an emotional eater. Eating was the one thing that brought me joy, so that sense of pleasure became my definition of happiness. I never listened to my body - I ate until I felt so full I could block out the other stuff, and it was that feeling of over-fullness that I came to associate with satisfaction. It was a dysfunctional mindset that took me nearly my entire life to reprogram. And it is still a work in progress.

I yoyo’d in a dieting daze through my teen years and I can clearly recall putting on that “freshman 15” in college, feeling heavy, unhealthy, moody. I binged, I starved, I lost 25 pounds in one summer between my sophomore and junior years, consequently losing my period for a year, at barely 20 years of age. I was labeled “fat” and “anorexic” depending on the season, depending on where I was mentally.

In my early 20’s I started to work out at my college gym with regularity for the first time in my life - that was a pivot point, but I was far from “there” because my eating habits were still all over the place. I’d use exercise to “punish” myself after a bad food bender, of which there were countless. I despised my perceived lack of self-discipline and I worshipped the covers of Vogue and Self. I was plagued by self-hate and insecurity and it manifested glaringly in my food and lifestyle choices. I thought that because I was a regular at the gym now, I was reasonably fit and healthy. In reality, I was quite the opposite because my food choices lacked real nutrients and mentally I was a complete shit show.

Life wore on and I hit more roadblocks - a demanding job in the unrelenting world of investment banking piled on even more stress as well as prevented me from having time to work out. I would pull all-nighters at the office, eat NYC deli muffins for breakfast, we would have California Pizza Kitchen delivered to the office for dinner and I would try desperately to squeeze in a workout during my lunch hour. More stress and even fewer nutrients. My immune system and nervous system were at an all time low.

Gradually, my world began to right itself, slowly, step by little step. I took a position overseas with the same bank. I made amazing friends who helped me realize I deserve to ENJOY life. The food there was different so I became more conscious of what I was putting into my body. I discovered the wonders and joys of simple vegetables because they at least felt familiar to me. I probably should have been a more adventurous eater but my American stomach suggested otherwise. I met my future husband, the love of my life. That changed everything as he inspired and motivated me to be at my best. I was laid off after a year of being overseas and that was without a doubt the single greatest thing to ever happen to my health and well-being. I found a new job producing business conferences that I enjoyed more than being in corporate finance and that gave me a much better work-life balance. I finally fully grasped the importance of what decades later IIN, my health coaching school, would term “primary foods” - friends, relationships, life experiences, travel - and I began to understand that food was not the sole source of nourishment. I didn’t have to binge to feel full or whole. I had other things going on that fed my soul, and those were arguably just as important as what I was putting into my body.

With that said, having gotten the rest of my life under a modicum of control, I turned my attention to nutrition and exercise, as they are undeniable tenants of physical health. I was happy with my weight which had at last plateaued to an equilibrial range I could accept. My friends and my partner were regular exercisers who looked after their health and that certainly helped. As the gym once again featured more regularly in my calendar, it became an inculcated habit and I dreaded it less and less. I didn’t see it as punishment as much, anymore. That gym-going, outdoor-jogging lifestyle combined with the pleasure of “primary foods” helped me to see meals not as an opioid of sorts but as a source of strength and well-being. Food was no longer the be-all, end-all for me. My brain and taste buds became buddies and I found myself actually relishing the taste of nutritious meals. My love of eating intersected with my newfound love of being healthy. Mind blown!

Bottom line: My eating stabilized when I began to cultivate those aspects of my life that fed my soul, those non-food foods.

Second bottom line: Exercise allowed my weight to fluctuate less and it became a virtuous circle of not overeating because I didn’t want to counter the effects of my workouts; also, seeing the positive results helped to further motivate me. Exercise was a hugely pivotal part of my journey, perhaps the most significant impetus to change, for me. It is still the anchor that holds me accountable and keeps me in balance, mentally and physically.

Of course with pregnancies and new babies, I fell off the wagon again, multiple times, but, because the lifestyle had already been formed and I knew how important it was to my emotional and physical wellness, it wasn’t too difficult to hop back on and reincorporate healthy living into my life. Since then, I certainly have not been “perfect” by any means but when I “cheat” I know it’s temporary and, more importantly, I utterly enjoy cheating. After all, this life we are living is fleeting and sometimes a sweet treat can do wonders for mental health. I have my “norm” and I have all the times I stray from my path. But knowing that I’ll always get back on it prevents any guilt from setting in and also allows me to relish the salted caramel swirl and - my biggest weakness - warm oatmeal raisin cookies or, if I’m being honest, any warm cookies.

My philosophy: Start small. “Small right decisions” can eventually result in great ripples, tremendous reverberations, for your life.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that everyone’s path is completely different… Even with the same issues plaguing different people, their solutions will be unique to themselves, to what is within them, how they are wired. Joy as well as health are both about a happy balance. My mission is to help my clients find their trajectory, to be their flashlight, because I know I could have used a guide, at various points in my life.